On hiatus -

Taking a break from this blog until further notice - but will be posting photos and layouts on my other site! Happy Holidays!!!

Check!

I just read a list of PPD symptoms.... and I think it's BAAAAAAAAA-AAAACKK!!!!!!!!!!

I talk to my therapist on Friday, and I know she can help - but just thinking about asking for help is making me cry.

Another good thing about this blog is that I can see I'm MOST nutty right before my period. I mean, not just a star on my calendar, not a notation in the margin - "baaaad day".... But flat out Oh my God, I don't think you're supposed to be thinking these thoughts once a month. At least now I can tell it's "once a monthish" - and not ALL the time... Just right before, during, a bit after, later after, slightly right before and then MAYBE THERE"S ONE FUCKING GOOD DAY LATELY. But really weepy despondent black bad right before.

Bet I get my period tomorrow. I'll break out some white pants, just to make sure. These are good things. Really. If I weren't figuring it out, we could worry. But let's not. (worry)

Yeow, this got long.

It’s usually really charming when the weather in So Cal changes (at all) – it’s nice to have to grab a sweater or wear a jacket – you know, the one that sits in the closet. Unfortunately, it’s making me feel claustrophobic. I can’t exactly snuggle up and nap (unless they’re napping) and then again, that would probably mess up my nighttime sleep. Sitting on the internet from 1:30 am until 4 am is not a good thing.

Yesterday, DH and I went shopping for dining room chairs and lighting. He admits he’s only there to “write the check”, which is fine… but for fsm’s sake – I don’t want to hear his second guessing for months. They’re chairs…. If you like them when you buy them – MOVE ON. Sometimes I just have to ignore him when he’s pondering the minutiae of where we store the toilet paper. Don’t get me wrong, this is the guy I'm thrilled to be married to… but it’s a real marriage – some days he drives me right out of my fucking mind. I’m sure he’s considered smothering me with a pillow in the deep dark of night every so often. And that's just gotta' be fine.

He’s getting very comfortable being wealthy these days. It’s a mixed bag of blessings, that’s for sure. He doesn’t seem very happy with me… but has begged me not to cut my hair into a bob or start to look like many of the other gals here on the Peninsula – so I’m curtailing any visits to Oribe for highlights and a blunt cut, as well as any trips to Talbots, Nordy’s, or any store that carries Lily Pulitzer. I’m thinking he wants the old “me” back – or the somewhat middle of the last 15 years “old me”. In better than great shape?, abso-fucking-lutely; blonde?, not so importantly; expensive looking?, preferably; stress-free, happy, biddable, beddable?…. and many other things that aren’t on my list anymore. Yesterday, he was making fun of my posture (I was standing up very straight, I think) and where I might chose to have lunch (me, I’ll drive through Taco Bell and consider it a treat) and I’m just not used to that – he said he was just joking around. It wasn’t funny, to me and when I balked at his demeanor, he said I was humorless and he hoped I would feel better soon.

I have committed a grave error this week. I remember where we came from and I’m still me, so far. A new friend (more recent to the neighborhood than we are) asked me where she could find someone to pour drinks at a dinner party she is giving in her home for her husband’s firm. It’s an obligation, and she’s not really looking forward to it The implication was that it should be someone invisible, but attractively so – and - English, first language. I said – “Oh, gosh, I’ll do it for you. I used to be a bartender and I can help you – just pretend you don’t know me! It’ll be fun.” She was, of course, ecstatic. “I’m so glad you’ll be there – you can help me take charge of the other people I have coming to help and I’ll be able to be a real hostess – you’ll make it seem like I’m perfect!” She gave me the particulars and I thought it would be some goofy fun. Granted, I only hesitated to think about it for a tenth of a second – and then plunged in and said, “Yes.”

My husband informs me I have made a serious blunder. Absolutely under no circumstances am I to do this “favor”, I have apparently lost my mind – I am the wife of a ___________________ who lives in _____________. I swear to God, he looked at me like he was revolted. Whatever. So I will spend the rest of my afternoon researching cater-waiters FOR SOMEONE ELSE, because I feel crappy for just backing out. She’s got three weeks, thank FSM.

On a message board I frequent, one of the threads has been “What are you a snob about?” I realize I’m a snob about a few things only…. I think my list is short because of where I come from and what my childhood was like – I’m happy with most anything. Here are things I prefer… I only use Bare Essentials makeup; I only drink Diet Coke or Coke products; if I could, I’d have a REAL Hermes Birkin, since I LOVE my knockoff – and never use another purse, ever; I am most frequently the only woman in the room (or at the playdate) in 4 inch heels; I only wear low rise jeans (because I am so short waisted); I am a snob to snobby people and have been known to make absolutely OUTRAGEOUS remarks to fuck with them. That said, some of the sweetest, kindest people I ever met were porn stars. I want my body to look a certain way, and I am unhappy if it doesn’t – though I could care less what anyone else looks like. I love my DSL/cable and can’t imagine dialup. I only use Creative Memories supplies for my scrap booking. I really like Paper Source stationary for cards. I prefer to sleep in flannel jammies and flannel sheets all year - anything else has to have a really high thread count. The “nice” double stroller had to be Combi (it is) or Maclaren. Doctors, surgeons, and dentists DO have to be the very best available. (Gee, and I thought I was fairly easy to please! lol....)

On the other hand…. Nothing has to be name brand, except perhaps Cheetos and cleaning supplies. If it’s not on sale, I usually won’t buy it – whatever “it” is … I troll the meat department for markdowns (I used to be friends with a grocer – everything’s good for at least 7 days after the expiration date – and even if it wasn’t, I’d be cooking it that night or the next….) Store brand grocery “anything” is fine by me. I love to fish through Ross, or Marshall’s and have a knack for finding the $70 t-shirt (on Montana Avenue) for $5, elsewhere. I know all the good consignment shops, so if I gotta’ have a new cocktail dress… I’ll probably wind up with a Calvin Klein (that someone else wore first!) It’s not really fun or fulfilling if I have to pay full price. The babies’ formula was Kirkland, the diapers…. Huggies from Costco – I buy whatever’s in bulk from Costco, and am just happy the diapers work for us and that the formula ingredients match up item for item with “the best”. The jogging double stroller - I don't know who made it. I’m happy my car is paid off – it’s a ’96 Blazer, tho’ my DH thinks I want a new “something”. I told him he could give me his car and HE could get a NEW car. I don’t care. I like for the kids to have nice clothes, but I don’t mind Target… and of course… the/any “name” stuff comes from Ross or Marshall’s, anyway. I prefer 7-11 coffee to Starbucks or Diedrick’s, etc. Dinner? Well, I’m happy to fix what my dh wants 29 out of 30 days a month. To me, It’s just food, and I don’t really care. If we go out to eat – I don’t really have a preference – I’m just happy I don’t have to cook it or clean it up. Really. You choose. I don’t care.

Along the same lines as my knock off purse, I bought three pair of reeeeeallly inexpensive shoes that I reeeeealllly like. I get compliments on them frequently. Now I know that if I found a pair that was the same style (4” heel, closed, pointy toed, ankle strap) I’d buy it – even if it was $200. Why? Because I wear them ALL THE TIME. And I’d wear THOSE all the time. Now I also know that I want that Birkin bag, but will probably NEVER find it on SALE!!!