Good God, fear & self-loathing in suburbia...

It's terrific here. It really is. But I'm starting to get those weird feelings again - like, "Why aren't I thirty pounds thinner?" Really. Like being 100 lbs would do anything for me. I've become obsessed with all those little things that make a gal feel any-kind of better. Facials, microdermabrasion, photo IPL whatever, peels - the whole thing. I DO have a dermo app't. next week and my brain is telling me I have skin cancer. I think I'm trying to fix my loneliness with outside stuff. Which, for me, usually works pretty good in a twisted kind of way. I know there are some gals who think "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I'm starting to believe this adage. I just hate seeing myself in the mirror these days. I think I'm worse off now than I was at 3 months post partum. Everything is moving around to unpleasant places and my waist has completely disappeared. Thank God, I'm not running around naked anymore.

I know I wouldn't be this cruel to a girlfriend and I'd ditch a guy that was this mean to me, but I still have the sick temeritry to do it to myself. DH would LOVE to hear I'd up and gone to the gym and he doesn't care if I put the kids in daycare to do it. In all honesty, though- I'm just tired. The pulling and poking and puking of infants.... eeeeew! I had completely forgotten. I feel icky all the time and I've noticed I hold the twins at arms length quite a bit - like someone who actually doesn't like children. Hmmmmmmm........

Thank God, mine are cute. If they weren't, I'd probably have eaten them already. Which could be a real possibility. I graze all day. I can't keep to the OA "eat every 5 hours" stricture. This isn't making much sense. Exhaustion has taken over and the lassitude that comes from knowing I don't have much to do but what I usually do each and every day.... and it's not that I don't have stuff to do... it's just that, I don't wanna' do it. Thank heaven, I'm having my roots done on Tuesday - I'll be a whole new gal... for a while.