Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Friday, February 17, 2006

BritBrit, Mom of the Year

I'm thinkin'... the ONLY time you should drive with your baby in your lap is if SOMEONE IS POINTING A GUN AT YOU.
AND THEY'RE SHOOTING. AT. YOU.



And then for only as far as it takes to get away.... say, an 1/8th of a mile and turn the corner.


White trash twit isn't even really admitting it was a mistake... to paraphrase, "well, if y'all say it's bad, I guess it is... got any cheetos? Gosh, it burns when I pee... whyizat?"

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Bane of Travelers, Everywhere


I just booked 5 tickets for Birmingham for the whole family. Two adults, one child and two toddlers. I have reaaaaalllllyyy been dreading this cross country trek, but I know it has to be done. Honestly, I told my dh the ONLY reason I am doing this, is out of obligation - as opposed to desire - I am dreading the plane flights, the rental car, the packing, the non-childproofed homes, the snippy little dog, the food.... just the whole thing. Granted, if I hadn't moved 2500 miles away from my family, they'd either have SENT me somewhere or packed a UHaul, themselves. I'll be the first person to admit, I can be a royal PIA - and we definitely have "ways" we do things and a schedule we follow that keeps things going fairly well for the children.

My mother, on the other hand, doesn't have a lot of common sense when it comes to raising children. I'm not just being catty when I say I have a hard time leaving the children alone with her (my father is there, but pretty much a nonentity and also cannot be counted on to make rational decisions regarding others)... her health - mental and physical - are unstable. She's not nuts, but she comes unglued easily and dissolves into tears with lots of wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth - very emotional. I don't respond well to that. Also, since she is so large (even after a gastric bypass - yes - you CAN eat your way back to obesity and ill health) she cannot pick up the children in any way. She certainly can't keep up with them. When I get around her I change. I get completely unemotional. Turned completely off. I realize turning into a full-blooded Vulcan is not an endearing trait, but it's been an important and effective protective mechanism since I was a small child. Take "Vulcan" one step further straight into "cold bitch".

I promise I'll try very hard to be "normal" - whatever that is - although several days without fresh vegetables may affect us all adversely, as well. I mean, I've grocery shopped there and had a hard time finding things - and that's no slam to B'ham - it's just supply and demand. It's also what you do with what you have. We just don't eat like my family does. I fight my genetics every step of the way - and have for many years, not enjoyed the ol' family favorites. I am considered quite vain - not only because I am, but because I am pretty much a normal weight for someone my height. So if I only have one piece of cake or go for a run, it's assumed I'm doing it to make someone feel bad. (It took us a while to figure that one out - my mother flat out finally told me how she felt once, since we opted to get out of the house and NOT SIT AROUND FOR FREAKING HOURS AND HOURS, DOING NOTHING)

I know I'm whining. I'm not sure what's worse - the plane flights or the actual visit... In the years after I stopped traveling for promotional purposes (22 plane flights in 8 days was not unusual) I have developed a crushing fear of airplane travel. I had a few bad flights and all I can think of is "we're all goin' down, my house is a wreck - and whoever cleans it out is going to be mortified. We're going to wind up as one of those tragic two pages in People Magazine ..."Whole Family hurtles to Earth in Ball of Flames; Trip of a Lifetime turns to Ticket to Death...." It's not so bad if I am alone, but when we're all on there, I'm a wreck. (How apropos...)

Well, it's months away. I have plenty of time to agonize.

Oh, and if we flame out, someone please tell People Magazine to use this photo. I look relatively thin and my hair's blonde - the babies are small, DH looks great and DS is cute as a button - it'll be especially heartwrenching. Pitiful.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Poor little monkeys!

How can such little tiny people have such great, giant MOLARS? Poor monkeys! Both are teething and both have a touch of a cold... or maybe it's not a cold... just teething ginormous calcium mountains. Luckily the big monkey is over his cold and back to school today.

Well, at least with this new post, the COLON CLEANSE ads have rotated over to "Find your cheatin' spouse!" ads.... and recovery ads... although personally, the only lasting recovery I've ever experienced is through working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It'll be 15 years, this year! Amazing! Huh... I hadn't thought of that in a while. Today's a great day. Except for the cranky toddler twin thing happening around here....

oh, and if you're into that sort of thing... a very serene, and empowering website is:
www.dailyinventory.com