One Non Blonde

Dammit. She didn't get me blonde enough. I like the cut, though. But she's even more expensive than my stylist in Bev Hills. At least there, I could spy on my ultrahip ex-lover. He's married now, and has a 5 year old daughter. That amuses me, no end. He was SUCH a dog - and now he has a little girl to love. In ten years he'll be shaking in his no-doubt-very-expensive-trendoid motorcycle boots. I will miss the salon, which bears his name - and gigantic posters of Arnie, our esteemed Governator, and Mickey "Stop with the Lizard Looks, already" Roarke.

The big boys leave for Yosemite early tomorrow, for three days. While I won't be alone, I'll sort of be alone. The biggest relief, no cooking.

Gross Mommy Things

Who knew? No one EVER tells you what you're in for with motherhood. Never in my life did I think I'd ever pick someone else's nose. And not just the first child's nose. This happens for every child's nose. The middle one can't stand it. The littlest one puts up with it - and the oldest one thinks it's the funniest thing I do. He's a bit twisted that way. Funny thing is, I know I made him that way.... There are other equally nasty things that it turns out to be my job to do - the requisite diaper changing, zit popping, splinter snatching that my husband is too squeamish to perform. With the new ones, I regularly wear spit up in odd places (and just don't give a crap anymore about some clothes) My husband shrieks and claws at an offending splotch offered by one of my cherubs as though it's radioactive. Full on changes clothes.

A tad scary - since I've become immune to it and sally forth as though it's nothing.

Hmmmm.... perhaps this has something to do with our lack of a sex life? Am I wearing baby spit up to ward off any unwelcome advances?

Good God, fear & self-loathing in suburbia...

It's terrific here. It really is. But I'm starting to get those weird feelings again - like, "Why aren't I thirty pounds thinner?" Really. Like being 100 lbs would do anything for me. I've become obsessed with all those little things that make a gal feel any-kind of better. Facials, microdermabrasion, photo IPL whatever, peels - the whole thing. I DO have a dermo app't. next week and my brain is telling me I have skin cancer. I think I'm trying to fix my loneliness with outside stuff. Which, for me, usually works pretty good in a twisted kind of way. I know there are some gals who think "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I'm starting to believe this adage. I just hate seeing myself in the mirror these days. I think I'm worse off now than I was at 3 months post partum. Everything is moving around to unpleasant places and my waist has completely disappeared. Thank God, I'm not running around naked anymore.

I know I wouldn't be this cruel to a girlfriend and I'd ditch a guy that was this mean to me, but I still have the sick temeritry to do it to myself. DH would LOVE to hear I'd up and gone to the gym and he doesn't care if I put the kids in daycare to do it. In all honesty, though- I'm just tired. The pulling and poking and puking of infants.... eeeeew! I had completely forgotten. I feel icky all the time and I've noticed I hold the twins at arms length quite a bit - like someone who actually doesn't like children. Hmmmmmmm........

Thank God, mine are cute. If they weren't, I'd probably have eaten them already. Which could be a real possibility. I graze all day. I can't keep to the OA "eat every 5 hours" stricture. This isn't making much sense. Exhaustion has taken over and the lassitude that comes from knowing I don't have much to do but what I usually do each and every day.... and it's not that I don't have stuff to do... it's just that, I don't wanna' do it. Thank heaven, I'm having my roots done on Tuesday - I'll be a whole new gal... for a while.

Mom behind the Wheel

The time I waste the most... and hate the most - is waiting in the car for some stupid class or lesson to be over. I'm really glad I've got a kid who has little desire to do much more than watch tv or play video games. I mean - I have to MAKE him play outside. He's a lot like me.
Wow. I look so happy and normal, here. I suppose it's because my ds (dear son) is taking the photo and that's the right thing to do. What a kid - he knows mom's got a hair trigger and he's smart enough and cool enough to let it ride and let it go....

Courage, Strength, Wisdom, Grace

All of which I have in various amounts, changing like hormones (or undies) on a daily basis. I mean, I aspire to all of that... but normally I function in the realm of "just enough, thank you very much. I'm tired now, and I need a nap." I've got no idea why I am starting this blog - I waste enough time online, anyway. Most of what I'd like to be blogging would be seriously injurious to my relatives at the very least! I really don't know how this program works, yet - so I'll just leave this blurb up for a bit and healy on....