I really do. I am so depressed these days I can hardly take it. Since this is my journal - I'm gonna' have to spew since it's really the only place these days that I can. If you're just surfing in, you might want to just surf on out.
First off, my guilt has to have this disclaimer... I am very sorry for earthquake and hurricane victims. I have many friends and acquaintances who's lives are
much tougher than mine. I know there are starving children in the world. I want our troops to come home victoriously to their families. And on and on and on...
I also know that my life is pretty close to "perfect". My kids are healthy and happy. My husband provides a fabulous lifestyle for us all and makes very few demands on me. He loves me and the children and God above all else... All I need to do is keep a reasonably clean home, with decent well balanced meals, have the children to their various activities and responsibilities - school, homework, etc....... I can do pretty much what I want as long as my "job" is done. It's great - it really is. Our life is right up there with what most folks would call the "American Dream".
But something is horribly wrong. I am terribly depressed and it's not situational. It must be chemical, or hormonal - or whatever the other choices are. Of course, AF started today, but I feel like I have to hide that from my dh, because then everything is dismissed as attributable to THAT. I'm sorry, this has been coming on and endured longer than fucking PMS and I don't need to be told it's just because it's my period. Normal people don't want to off themselves during PMS. And I'm not saying I do - it's just that fleeting thought that if the cancer came back - I don't know how hard I'd actually fight it since everything seems to be so fucking hard. And unending.... I'm lonely and isolated. If I take this to an AA meeting, I know exactly what I'd hear - and I don't need to hear that I'm a fucking baby because I'm not deep into the solution and I'm not exactly helping any newcomers these days. The smallest thing will wake me up into the middle of the night and I won't be able to get to sleep FOR HOURS. So, put sleep deprived on that fucking list, too. DS' school is top notch - better rated than the school he came from, but it's so small that the organizational systems (WHAT organizational systems?) SUCK. I don't know how anybody stays on track at this fucking overprivilaged school.
My dh just doesn't get it. I don't blame him. This morning as I AM CRYING, he's "commiserating" at the fact he's got 60 agents who act like babies - they whine, they don't do what they're supposed to - they blame others, the list goes on and on... and I screamed at him... "and you know, you can HATE THEM. LUCKY YOU. If I were to hate the people at MY JOB how fucked up would that be? I'm not allowed to hate the people at my job. I'm not even allowed to HATE my job - even for today. If I were to get a job, I'd still have to face this crap when I get home." So he replies he doesn't want me to get a job (he's always carping on how I can go into business with him as a realtor and we'll really be able to sock away some cash!!! Yippee!!!) I didn't get the chance to tell him it's not about the JOB, it's about being somewhere ELSE. And, of course, since I had a blowout on the phone with my husband he's going to try to "fix me" when I still just want to tell him to leave me the fuck alone.
I'm not saying any of this is rational or right - that's the pervasive, sad effect of depression. The damaging, soul killing effect... of depression. It's like I am watching the train fly off the tracks in slow motion and I am helpless to stop it. I guess that's a plus - I can see it while it's happening - if I couldn't then that would be, what? - textbook?
